How To Survive a Zombie Outbreak

DISCLAIMER: The events in the following essay have not yet happened. This was an assignment for one of my classes, so do not be alarmed when you read the part about everyone you love being dead. This following is a How-To essay designed to teach the public what to do WHEN a zombie outbreak occurs. Print it out, put it in your wallet or purse, and ensure you can refer to it quickly in the event of an emergency. You will be glad you did. Good luck to us all...

The world, as we know it, has ended. Either a massive flu pandemic has broken out, or a deadly, unknown disease has escaped from a high security facility. Regardless, the majority of humans are now dead. Unfortunately, those who died have not remained dead, and instead have begun to roam the planet in search of living people on which to feed. Simply stated, you are now being hunted by creatures commonly referred to as zombies. And depending on the virus or disease that infected them, you are either being hunted by slow, stupid, awkward zombies, or fast, screaming, infected-with-rage zombies. But do not panic. The following is a guide of three easy steps that must be understood in order to survive a zombie outbreak. Do not refer to such books as The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, because the information is not up-to-date. Following my three-step system is paramount, and complying with the information might just save you from becoming someone’s dinner.

The first step to surviving a zombie outbreak is acceptance of the situation. This is much easier said than done, as most people will have a difficult time when they realize everyone they have ever cared about is most likely dead. A variety of emotions will occur as you struggle to make sense of what has happened. Crying or hysteria will occur almost immediately; shock and fear will follow soon after. Next, rage will take over, and this is the emotion that can be the most problematic. Many people will want to grab the first available weapon-like object and destroy every zombie around as a way to avenge the deaths of loved ones. It is paramount that you fight this urge. Angry weapon wielding usually results in a zombie-inflicted injury, leaving you in the same position as those you lost. Find some way to stay occupied, and allow anger to pass like the previous emotions. If you successfully work through the rage phase without getting yourself killed, feelings of acceptance and calmness will take over. This is good, as it means you are now ready to move forward.

The second, and most important step to zombie survival, is preparation. If a zombie outbreak were ever to actually occur, the government would set up a recovery plan. This means help will arrive, sooner or later, and all you need to do is stay alive until you are found. To do this, preparation is necessary. First, find the nearest police station or military base, and stock up on the following: guns, ammunition, swords, machetes, various explosives, blow torches, and a bow and arrow. Next, locate the nearest department store, and collect canned food, bottled water, first-aid supplies, flashlights, batteries, a portable radio, and rope. Load everything into a dependable, working vehicle. Hopefully, you will be far away before the zombies are attracted by the noise of the car engine. Fill up at the nearest gas station, and fill as many portable gas cans as humanly possible. Finally, begin driving to the nearest body of water where large boats are moored.

It is a known fact that zombies are unable to swim. They will attempt to follow you into the water, but will gradually drown. This is precisely why in step three it is necessary to find both a sailboat and lots of water. Technically, any type of boat would do in a desperate situation, but a sailboat eliminates the problem of running out of gas. Pack the boat with the supplies you have collected, and set sail through your chosen body of water. Do not follow an approach similar to that highlighted in the movie Dawn of the Dead, where survivors hide in a local mall. This is short-term solution, as zombies will gradually surround your hideout and make escape impossible. Help will arrive eventually, and waiting on the water where zombies cannot reach you will increase the chance of survival. It is important, however, to be on the lookout at all times. Do not assume you are safe simply because you are on the water.

Attempting to live through a zombie outbreak can be a trying and terrifying experience for anyone. This is why it is extremely important to fully understand and implement the three easy steps that make survival possible. Allotting adequate time for acceptance, preparation, and escape will separate you from those who do not have a serious will to live. The well-organized steps and industrious methods you exhibit may even impress the rescue teams, resulting in a high-ranking political position in the post-zombie world. Following the zombie outbreak how-to guide will not only save your life, it will steer you towards a more powerful future. Just remember to choose your survival partners carefully, and when killing zombies, aim for the head.